


treading water

by Enochianess



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bipolar Disorder, Experimental Style, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-28 04:36:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20420015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enochianess/pseuds/Enochianess
Summary: Ian's bipolar disorder is getting the better of himor: a slight canon divergence to explore a bipolar mind





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I haven't written for the Shameless fandom in a few years, so I'm a little rusty on characterisation etc. (please go easy on me)
> 
> I was always super interested by Ian's bipolar storyline, which is ironic because about a year after writing a lot for the Shameless fandom, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder myself. This fic is mostly written from personal experience of what it's like to be having an episode -- whether it's depression, mania, or somewhere in between.
> 
> I'm not sure how long this fic will be if I'm honest, but I've written a short first chapter and will hopefully go into much more depth and create proper plot if people are interested.

i t g o e s l i k e t h i s

Once there was a boy called Ian. He was a pretty boy, a smart boy, a creative boy. He had a million and one ideas and he knew how to charm all the boys at school and make them choke on his big fat fucking dick, easy peasy lemon squeeeeeezy.

A descent into mental illness can be very s l o w or horrendously quick.

Ian doesn't remember what his first

d

e

s

c

e

n

t

was like. All he knows is that sometimes he will be okay one second, but then he will be high as a fucking kite or suicidally depressed the next. Other times, however, it builds, simmers quietly, just grows and grows and grows until a fucking e x p l o s i o n. 

How is he supposed to keep track of it all? What goes up must come down. How to tell though, when one is up or one is down, when the whole fucking world just spins and spins and spins around and around and around?

What does one do, now, when one goes on a hiii

iiiiigh

in front of one's boyfriend??

What is Ian supposed to do?

i t g o e s l i k e t h i s

A few days ago, a boy called Ian went a little... craaaaaazy. Well, not cra-a-azy, to be exact. That's an awful term. No, a boy called Ian lost his head a little because he stopped taking his medication and now his boyfriend Mickey, Mickey Milkovich, is somewhere out there messaging Ian to leave him alone.

STOP. STOP. STOP.

Now, Ian -- ME -- is s p i r a l l i n g pretty badly. I'm spiralling. Spiralling pretty fucking badly.

Perhaps sitting in the darkness of his bedroom with some fucking rock band blasting until his eardrums feel like they could bleed was a bad idea, but it drowns out the thoughts... not nearly enough.

i t g o e s l i k e t h i s 

Sometimes there are artists and sometimes those artists capture things and in this particular instance this artist has captured exactly how Ian is feeling and it's liberating and numbing all at the same time.

What is the point in this? What is the point in any of this?

It is the 

d

e

s

c

e

n

t

my dear friend. 

Welcome to the world of horrors. The real world. The world I live in.

Want a turn on the carousel? I didn't think so.

This ride -- not a fun one. Get off. GET off. GET OFF. I WANT TO G E T O F F.

i t g o e s l i k e t h i s

Ian was doing well. He was doing brilliantly. All the stars were shining just for him and things were fabulous. He was in love. He was. He still is.

What to do now...


	2. Chapter 2

**bipolar disorder**

_noun_

PSYCHIATRY

  1. a mental condition marked by alternating periods of elation and depression.

It looks so simple, typed out like that, but it's not and it's not and it's not. Ian wishes that it was. If only... maybe, perhaps, MAYHAPS, in another universe. 

i t g o e s l i k e t h i s

Ian took his boyfriend to the baseball dugouts and it was going to be beautiful and romantic and time would stop so they could fuck all night long because it would see how in love the two of them were and how they deserved to have forever.

Forever... forever... foreverrrrr

It never lasts. Of course it never lasts. Ian doesn't deserve it to last.

He doesn't deserve it.

Sometimes, Ian writes. He writes in those fucking notebooks that Mickey hates. When he writes, it's... therapeutic, for as much as it fucking terrifies him to read back:

** S U F ** ** F ** ** O C A T ** ** E M ** ** E K I N D L Y **

** B R E A T H ** ** E P ** ** O I S O N I N T O M Y L U N G S **

** J E S U ** ** S H ** ** E L P M E **

** I ** ** F T ** ** H E M O N S T E R S A R E N O T R E A L **

** T H E ** ** N H ** ** O W D O I K N O W I F I A M R E A L M Y S E L F **

** I D ** ** O N ' T ** ** T ** ** H I N K I A M H E R E A T A L ** ** L **

** M A Y B ** ** E N ** ** E I T H E R A R E Y O U **

<strike> M u s t t r y h a r d e r </strike> he writes on the inside of his left ring finger, for practically no reason. Always, though. Always, one must try harder. Especially Ian. Always, Ian.

i t g o e s l i k e t h i s

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr](http://enochianess.tumblr.com) and on [twitter](http://twitter.com/buckyandsteeb)
> 
> If you liked it, please leave kudos or comments!


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